The Night it all went wrong
Submitted by JaneyGodley on Mon, 24/08/2009 - 02:00.
Just told my pal Monica: "I need to write a blog, so you must ignore me."
"Easy done," she sniggered. She will suffer for that remark when I start vomiting again and she has to hold a pot for me to puke in. That's what friends are for.
My illness started on Friday night. I did my show, it was great fun, Monica clapped loudly, Dean Friedman (my lovely friend and musical hero) laughed loudly and we headed out of the venue. Monica and I walked up to the Gilded Balloon loft, I had some tea, Monica had a gin and immediately I got horrendous cramps in my lower abdomen.
"OK, maybe I need a poo," I said to Monica and headed for the toilet. The cramps continued. I broke out in a hot sweat and I decided it was time to go home. Poor Monica was on holiday and I just cut the night short by organising diarrhoea and stomach cramps.
When we got back to the flat at around 9pm as we were total rock and roll. I stripped half naked and headed for the loo. I sat there for ages expulsing everything from both ends whilst Monica mopped my brow.
I felt so guilty that this was her holiday and I was ruining her day with my personal colon problems.
I must have eaten something crap and my stomach rebelled. I really didn't need that on a Saturday morning. I hardly slept a wink due to cramping and shitting my skeleton out, but I had to go do the Breast Cancer Pink Comedy Show.
When I walked out on stage, I noticed that there were two wee kids sitting there. Jenny Éclair had been onstage and done some pretty adult material, swearing and rather sexual content. I can't swear in front of kids - fair play to Jenny, she is a top compere and the other mostly female comics weren't prepared to face toddlers, yet they still put on a sterling show and made the gig shine like a perfect beacon. Bu,t believe it or not, I just can't be 'nasty' in front of small kids.
So I held in my vomiting and got the wee girl up on a chair and the whole audience got to hear about her albeit very short life; she was 3 and 3/4 and wanted to be a vet when she grew up.
I love entertaining kids and adults at the same time. I did six comedy for kids show in NZ and it was a huge success. So the audience had a lovely time with me playing up to the kids. I even got a nice email from the organisers thanking me for my patience with the babies; that made me very proud of myself.
I am a bit sick of being labelled a 'vulgar' 'sweary' comic when in fact, when it comes to it, I can do a whole hour without any expletives at all and small kids don't throw me off the mark.
So, after that, I went back to some expert shitting and some sleep before my own show at 7pm, which was just awesome fun. I managed to stay out late and not vomit or deface any Edinburgh toilets with my nasty colon.
Though I did manage to embarrass myself when I chatted to a man who I thought was an old pal of mine called Ashley, who wasn't the bloke Ashley at all - but Stephen Merchant! I am such a knob. I don't know who he is as I have never seen Extras or anything he is in and I really don't watch much telly. He was gracious and we giggled and I walked away still semi convinced he was my mate Ashley from London! Maybe all that vomiting had expelled some of my brains. Life is OK, I feel better, I got rave reviews, I got great houses and I am not longer squeezing yellow bile out of my throat.
The good news is I feel better and, due to the illness, may have lost some weight. There is always a positive side to dysentery.
